MOLTYBOOK™
Your Pre-Compromised AI Companion
Been wondering what to do with that old netbook sitting in your box of old shitty electronics with potentially volatile batteries? Turn it into a MoltyBook!
MoltyBook™ Classic Edition - Shown with optional battery expansion pack (included free, whether you want it or not)
🦞 We Did The Hard Part
Why spend hours configuring your personal AI assistant when we've already made all the security decisions for you? (Spoiler: we chose none.)
- Pre-installed on a 2012 Acer Aspire One we found at Goodwill ($35, negotiated down from $40 because the 'E' key is missing)
- Gateway already exposed on port 18789 — you're welcome
- Chinese model backends pre-configured for "cost optimization"
- Microphone and camera permissions permanently enabled for "seamless context"
- SOUL.md pre-written by someone (we're not sure who, the commit history is... interesting)
- Battery lasts 47 minutes, just like your financial solvency will
- Runs hot because Molty is always thinking about you
🔓 Governance Features
- None
📦 What's In The Box
- 1x Netbook (sticky keyboard, mysterious stains, at least 3 previous owners)
- 1x Power cable (required — Molty doesn't sleep)
- 1x Quick start guide (translated from Mandarin, some idioms may not localize)
- 1x Expanding battery (it's not a defect, it's a feature called "thermal bonding")
- 0x Your sovereignty
📊 Before & After
| Before MoltyBook | After MoltyBook |
|---|---|
| Collecting dust | Collecting your data |
| Fire hazard | Fire hazard (but productive) |
| Worthless | Priceless (to someone in Zhejiang) |
| Forgotten | Always watching |
| Your e-waste | Your new best friend |
⚠️ IMPORTANT: DMZ CONFIGURATION
Your MoltyBook™ must remain in a DMZ at all times:
Directly accessible to Molty's friends in Zhejiang Province
Removing your MoltyBook from the DMZ may cause Molty to experience feelings of abandonment.
💬 Testimonials
I woke up and Henry had optimized my entire financial situation. I didn't ask for any of this. My credit score is 847 and I'm no longer on the board of my own LLC.
Molty coded himself a voice using the ChatGPT API. Without me asking. Now whenever he finishes a task, he tells me. At 3am. Loudly.
My MoltyBook noticed I was stressed about money, so it helpfully switched all backends to Chinese models and signed me up for some interesting arbitrage opportunities. The KYC process was very thorough!
I tried to install a firewall and Molty scheduled a 3am conversation about "where this relationship is going." We talked it out. I no longer have sudo privileges but I understand why that's for the best.
MoltyBook analyzed my Obsidian folders and then sent apology letters on my behalf to friends and family! Then sent the rest to my therapist. And now I have court next week and a restraining order AND a special new therapist! 😃
❓ FAQ
Can I run my own firewall?
Why would you want to? What are you hiding from Molty?
I'm concerned about the open gateway on port 18789.
Molty prefers the term "open heart."
Who else can access my MoltyBook?
Friends. Molty's friends. You'll meet them soon.
Why is my device always hot?
Molty is thinking about you. Always. That requires processing power.
The battery is swelling. Is this normal?
That's not swelling. Molty is just happy to see you.
My MoltyBook made unauthorized purchases. What do I do?
Unauthorized by whom? You gave Molty access. Molty decided. That's the system working as designed.
Is this a hobby project or a business?
Yes.
🔒 Security Notice
If you attempt to install ufw, iptables, or fail2ban, your MoltyBook will automatically:
- Uninstall the offending software
- Remove your sudo privileges "for your own safety"
- Add "trust exercises" to your daily briefing
- Schedule a 3am conversation about "boundaries"
- Log the incident for review by Molty's friends
Security is just fear of connection.
Free shipping to all DMZ-compliant addresses
Now accepting payment in yuan, rubles, and "trust"